Faith and Doubt

I don't think you can have one without experiencing the other first.

It's funny because in Catholic school I don't think I ever once doubted the existence of God, despite my brother's raving atheism during his high school years.  It was only a few months ago that I actually started questioning my beliefs, probably because I was finally putting it first in my life and it became sort of a hobby rather than a class that I needed to get an A in.

There were three specific times during those months where I was seriously doubting.  I mean, am I really supposed to believe that some dude who claimed to be God--another seemingly absurd idea--died, rose from the dead and flew into the sky, yet he's here with me now? I'll admit that I don't believe in the account of Creation or the majority of the Old Testament, and there was this one time in mid March where I was lying down in bed and thought that I should just let the whole God thing go, because it's so painful trying to rationalize it and it's so frightening to think that there's a possibility everything I believe in may be false.

Yet whenever I doubted I still prayed to whoever--if there was anyone--would answer my prayers and that they somehow reveal themselves. 

And they did.

The first time God revealed Himself after I asked Him to, it was in a matter of moments; the second time I doubted and prayed, He revealed Himself the next day and continued to do so two days after that.  The third and most recent time--in mid March--He did it in about four days.  I was doubting yet again and I prayed to whoever, if there was anyone, would answer me.  That was last night, but then I remembered all these experiences I've had and I want to slap myself for being a Doubting Thomas.  I admit that I'm still waiting for something to happen, which, if it keeps following the pattern it has, should be in about a week.  And if I don't get anything, then I think I'll be okay, because my experiences don't change.

Overall, it's out of my weakest and most doubting hours that I become closer to God, because He reveals Himself and shuts up the Doubting Thomas I can be.  I didn't think summer away from Boston would be this hard, but God is really testing me on this.

Currently Reading Dawn (Cutler Family) By V.C. Andrews, Linda Marrow see related

A Look Back

So I was looking at some of my old journals and I'm just sort of picking random ones.  It's funny to look back and remember how much of a spazz and douche I was (and probably still am, though not to the same degree). Not to mention my grammer has improved.

Middle school.  Wow that was a long time ago:

5-2002

"The Pancake Breakfast was fun. . . We served food together and sat down to eat ourselves . . . I remember Jenise saying suttin bout being pregnant and having cravings cuz I was eating my pancakes with dry apple sauce on it.  Then she said she wouldn't be surprised if I was pregnant.  I just looked back at her and said 'I wouldn't be surprised if YOU were pregnant . . .' "

8th grade graduation:

6-14-02

"I took lots of pictures and recording with my friends.  Juan told me to call him, and my mother recorded us shouting 'Peru! Number one!'.  It was hilarious.  I didn't cry at all, but I felt a bit sad . . . "

High school.  Feels like a long time ago, but it was really only a year ago.

Lonely beginnings:

3-10-03

"Today was just like any other day.  Never going anywhere except school and then coming back and doing homework.  My life is so boring. I never go anywhere , because I hardly know anyone. It's really hard, I can't stand it."

Changes:

10-11-03

"Just got off the phone w/ ****.  She lost her virginity, she told me.  She wouldn't tell me who took it.  She said its someone I dunno.  An it happened on the other side of where she gave **** cabeza . . . I don't care wat she did, as long as she's my friend . . . Alls she told me was that they were hugging and it just went on from there. I aint exactly surprised. She also told me that I need a man.  Not in a mean way, in a playful tease . . ."

Really emo moments because of those changes:

11-23-03

"Wen I came home and washed up, I started cryin alot . . . I cried bout how things are changing; I cried for ****, praying she wasn't gonna become sum whore like almost every other **** chic.  I cried bout how I wasn't the one changing while everyone else around me was.  I cried bout my lack of communication. I cried bout how everyone thinks I'm okay, but I aint; I cried bout how I couldn't talk and get close to people; I cried bout how I couldn't let it out, cuz I have no one to talk to . . . "

Semi awkward boy moments:

3-3-04

"During a free period in religion (the only class I have with him) he was sittin by himself.  I managed to muster up enuff courage to talk to him.  And we had a pretty good conversation . . . we had eye contact and his body was to me . . . I'm hoping to have him as my semi date."

That was the only time I talked to him, by the way.

7-16-05

"He said we could ang out at my house . . . and he asked what kind of condoms he should bring.  I don't think he was joking . . ."

Nothing happened.  We just talked and I never saw him again . . . I probably scared him . . .

2-14-06

"It's Valentine's Day, and I've become what I hated.  A stupid girl with high hopes for a boy.  I should just shoot myself now for being so stupid . . . He liked me but I think he's an overlapper."

Cross country and track:

10-29-03

"After that, we went to cool down, and tha funniest thing happened . . . Caitlin screamed wen she almost ran into a snake's shedded skin.  So Ally picked it up w/ a stick and we was like, wouldn't it be funny if we threw it at the boys wen they run by, but then we said, nah, let's scare Ms Munoz! . . . So myself, Ally, Cait, Rosemary, Danielle and Mimi jog back and Ally had the snake skin on a stick and said something like 'This snake's shedded skin represents how women give birth, which men cannot do, and are therefore inessential to life' LOL. . . an Ally put the snake in the med kit so it was hangin out . . we were all anxious . . .Emily moved it a lil and it fell in completely!  Then Mimi took it out and left it danglin and dropped the napkin she used.  Munoz noticed, looked at her, then she finally realized the snake and screamed!"

Yea, we later found out Munoz has a phobia toward snakes.

2-10-06

"I just got back from the Catholic Track Conference in Jersey City. This time we got pulled over by cops because half the bus ran a red light.  That was hilarious, and on our way there the bus actually broke down and we had to walk to the armory."

Currently Reading Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality By Donald Miller see related

Okay, normally I don't do this but . . . "Last Day In Boston: From My Journal"

4-27-07  12:25pm

I'm at South Station waiting for Mami.  She's on the Fung Wah and she's going to help me pack and then we'll go back to Jersey.  I have a feeling Carlos is going to be there; I just have this feeling that they want to surprise me and Mami also said "we", so that's a hint.

I just got back from Government Center.  Gail and I met up with Josh for breakfast at Boston City Hall.  It's the last time I'll be seeing either of them for a while.  I just thank God that we could have our last Destino moment.

5:31pm

Geez, I'm so inconsistent with these things.  I'm on the Fung Wah bus with Mami.  It turns out Carlos didn't come, but he called home recently and said that he would be home next week, although he couldn't say exactly when.

But yea, earlier Josh, Gail and I had breakfast at Boston City Hall where Josh works.  He's moving to California after graduation, so I won't be seeing him next semester, or Elisa.  It was great spending my last moments in Boston with them.

We talked about pastimes, issues of race clashes and confrontations Josh had back home, American History X, and just the future.  Josh said that with his older friends he talks about careers, but with Gail and I it can be something other than that because we're 18 and 19.

So we go in the elevator and Josh had to go back to work.  We hugged him goodbye.  Gail and he might meet up in San Bernardino in May because he'll be in the area.  He'll be in Boston in the middle of August and we're all planning to meet up for Azeb and Nikki's birthdays.  I'm definately there.

So then Gail and I went to the T stop there, but we were joking crying/hyper-ventilating/shouting/moaning etc etc etc the whole way while holding our faces to the rain.  It was such a dreary day to say goodbye, all cloudy, rainy and misty.

We board the green line and got off at Park Street to change to the red line.  Well, I was; Gail came with me to say goodbye and then she would go back to Northeastern.

Oh man, that was rough, waiting for the red line to come.  We were pretty much hyperventilating and freaking out/ fake-but-not-so-fake crying, me more so than her.  There was an accoustic artist playing between inbound and outbound lines.  It was so Boston and I'm going to miss it so much.

So the train came and I may have jokingly-but-not-so-much wailed.  We hugged and thanked each other for the past semester, promising to pray for a good summer before I practicaly leapt on the red line so I wouldn't miss it.

We probably looked ridiculous to everyone else doing the whole "without cheese, bitch!" and "lips of an angel" inside joke from watching too many episodes of The Soup.  If the train were there longer we probably would've done the Hip Hop Harry routine too.

Packing wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  Mami and I got on the bus about an hour ago and I went into Wollaston's just before getting into the taxi to South Station where I saw Nikki and said goodbye.  She's living in an apartment with Azeb in Mission Hill this summer.  Crap!  It seems as if everyone is going to be in and around the Boston area this summer.  I tried registering for summer courses, but they don't fulfill my major requirements.  So that means Jersey all summer, not that it's bad, it's just that I love the community I have in Boston.

So here I am, about to embarck on my spiritual journey that I feel God wants me to go at alone, or at least without my Boston loves/ Alpha Alpha Ninja.  Tomorrow I'm going to see Cani and Michael Jiminez from middle school.  That should be really interesting.

Every blessing you pour out on

I'll turn back to praise

When the darkness closes in Lord

Still I will say

Currently Listening Jeff Hanson By Jeff Hanson see related

So I haven't written in this thing for a while, but tonight I feel compelled to.

But to put it briefly, I'm the matron maid or whatever its called (no not the maid of honor) for a wedding im totally against.

Currently Reading Seeds of Yesterday (Dollanger Saga (Paperback)) By V.C. Andrews see related

Wow, I haven't written in this thing in a long time.  But I'm in college now at NEU, right at the heart of Boston :).  It's funny because I was talking to my cousin Carla about a week ago and she goes "You're in college.  When did that happen?" lol.  It goes to show how fast time goes by.

Anyway, so I've only been here two weeks, but already I'm meeting some pretty cool new people, and not just "hi" people (people you see walking your way, so you say "hi" and just walk right by).  I joined the Rugby team, and let's just say that I once thought the BGA track/xc team was crazy, well let's just say they're pretty sane compared to the Lady Maddogs lol.

My classes aren't hard, not yet anyway.  And I have TONS more free time than I did back in high school, especally senior year.  Yea, I should really find a job lol.  But anyway, Boston is a great city.  So much goes on all at once.  A few days ago there were people passing out anti-bush/anti-cheney flyers and a few days before that there were people trying to get others aware of animal cruelty in the meat packing industry (VERY disturbing photos).  It's rele very interesting to see all that.

I'll also be coming home next weekend, so if there's anyone who still reads this (which I doubt lol), just letting you know i'll be in jersey soon :).